I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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