He uses pillows to masturbate.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
