I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
