Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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