Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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