Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
