How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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