how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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