all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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