She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
