If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
