Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
