Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
