So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
All I want is dick and wine.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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