did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
