Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
