I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
