"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
