remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
