Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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