This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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