the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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