I'm pants shitting drunk right now
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
