My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
