she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Ketchup is God's man juice
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
