The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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