oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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