He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
