He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
