That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
