Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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