I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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