I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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