The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
