I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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