Please, let me fuck your mom
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
