i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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