Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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