I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I want to fling myself into the sun
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
