I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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