I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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