My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
