It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
