I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
