They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
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You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
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But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?