my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
