I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
