i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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