I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
