you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
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walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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