1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
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She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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