I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just gargled with NyQuil
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize