I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
