My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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