I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
