i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
