I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
