God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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