it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
